"I'm Talkin' about Ethics"

One of my favorite lines in the Coen brothers' Miller's Crossing is when Jon Polito tells Albert Finney:

"I'm talkin' about friendship. I'm talkin' about character. I'm talkin' about - Hell, Leo, I ain't embarrassed to use the word - I'm talkin' about ethics."

Now this conversation digresses into a shady defense of betting and thrown fights, but it's still a great line, and it's been running through my head lately because ethics have been running through my head.

In particular, the ethics of the culture of egg donation.

Until recently, one of my main arguments against why I didn't want to use an egg donor (aside from the fact that I just didn't want to) was that I found it not that different from adoption, and I struggled with how the culture of egg donation dismissed one of the key lessons from the adoption world - one that changed it from sordid to inspiring.

I think it's useful to look at the history of adoption to get what I mean: way back when, the process began by smuggling loose girls into homes for 9 months until barren wives removed the pooping evidence of shame and falsely claimed the babies as their own, never telling the children about their origin. The result was that girls were forever disgraced, women lived in fear of being outed, and children were deceived throughout their lives.

Since then, the adoption community has worked hard to bring dignity to all parties' experiences. What that means in terms of child-rearing is that 99% of all adopted children are told they're adopted before age 5. Also 2/3 of all adoptions are open or semi-open, so that birthparents are known to the family, and children can potentially meet them. Kids are raised without deception, and if they turn out to be Emo navel gazers, they can go to the source to get their questions answered about their genetics and heritage. No lies. No secrets. Just ethics.

The egg donor world doesn't do that. About 80% of egg donors are anonymous (from what I've seen), and less than 25% of parents tell their kids that they're the product of egg donation (according to my clinic's therapist). And all I can think of when I see this is, What?

I know that it's a personal choice, but shit, dude, seems like kind of a bad choice to me. I mean, haven't we learned anything from the adoption world? The doctors seem to perpetuate anonymity (easier for them?), which then makes the the donors want to remain anonymous (denial about the gravity of what they're doing?), and couples are left with little choice but to build their families on secrecy.

So how is this affecting me? In my clinic's pool, there are 60 donors in the pool, and my criteria narrow it from there. In the end, I'm left with 1 donor. One. There's one donor that I like at my clinic, and she wants to remain completely anonymous.

Now what do I tell my kid when he says, "I'm talkin' about friendship. I'm talkin' about character. I'm talkin' about - Hell, Mom, I ain't embarrassed to use the word - I'm talkin' about ethics?"

When Egg Substitute Is on the Shopping List

Selecting an egg donor is kind of a big deal. There are several categories of qualities to choose from, and before you even start looking, you pretty much have to accept that you can't have all of them, which - if you're a Type A personality who's delayed having a family until everything in your life is absolutely perfect, which you don't realize until you're completely infertile is never going to happen - is a hard thing to face.

There are a lot of qualities to choose from when hand-picking genes for your child, and if you have the impression that this process is a bizarre blend of Online Dating and science-fiction, then you understand the situation completely.

It's an extremely personal decision, and priorities will vary for everyone. After hours and days of profile searching, I determined what qualities I wanted. In order of importance, they are,

1. Looks
2. Health
3. Fertility
4. Intelligence
5. Personality

Looks tops my list. Some people refuse to look at any donor pictures, but I want someone who resembles me as much as possible, and photos are my first filter before putting her on a short list. Yes, there's height and skin tone, but to be honest, I'm looking for someone who I think is pretty. I know this is vain and superficial to a clinical degree, and I should probably feel embarrassed about it, but what can I say? Everyone has their priority, and this one's mine.

Health ties for first, or at least it runs a very close second. The available information ranges from serious birth defects to whether the donor ever had braces, and you get histories on the donor, her siblings (whole and half), her parents, and her grandparents. I have to admit that this area feels tricky since the information is volunteered and could easily be falsified, but what choice do I have? I'm being as picky as I can here and ruling out any genetic ailments, but lifestyle diseases (like adult onset diabetes) can slide.

Fertility comes in a very close third. There are only 3 ways to anticipate egg quality: the donor's age (the younger the better), previous pregnancies, and prior cycles. Proven donors charge about $2-3000 more than first-time donors, and I'm not prepared to add this to the cost just yet, which is what makes it come in third. Given that, I'm not considering anyone over 26 (the general cut-off is 30 or 32), and I'm looking for women who've had either children and abortions, but no miscarriages. The donor's resting follicle count is a 4th determinant of fertility, but you don't always get that information until after you've chosen her.

Intelligence runs a distant fourth for me. Lots of people prioritize intelligence, and I understand why. The brain is a physical organ that's inherited, so intelligence is obviously genetic. In fact, donors with medical degrees and Pulitzer-Prize-winning uncles go for about $25,000, so it's got to account for something. I, on the other hand, am just looking for a 3.0 GPA and the ability to communicate sensible thoughts. It's a low bar, but you can't prioritize everything, so I'm going to trust that N's brilliance will instill what it can into that baby, and we'll settle for nurture when it comes to the rest.

Personality-related information is, in my opinion, the most banal set of questions on these profiles. It includes things like favorite color, favorite book, and favorite movie, the last of which is invariably either Eat, Pray, Love or The Notebook (yes, they're that young). I'd never choose someone because we both like beach vacations, but I have eliminated tons of donors because their answers reveal that they're idiots, so I suppose that's useful.

Well, that's my list of priorities and the logic behind it. It makes perfect sense to me, but I also really understand why another person's list would look completely different.

OK. Now to find a match.

Online Dating: Egg Edition

By the time online dating came along, I was already several years into my relationship with N, so I was ever able to experience it. Until now.

My clinic's website has a convenient feature where I can easily search for the qualities and characteristics I'm looking for, and it couldn't be easier!

Eye color, hair color, race, education level: with a few easy clicks, the pool of available candidates is distilled to my taste. And once I've found a someone that I'd like to make babies with, I simply add her to my "Favorites" list.

Yes, it's that easy! And that creepy!

Let the match-making begin!!