Pubic Relations

Today's conversation with my pussy.

Me: So, what? We're perimenopausal now? Seriously!? We're only 40!

My Pussy: [Inaudible.]

Me: No. Not menopause. Don't say menopause, because first of all, menopause comes later, and second of all, fuck you.

My Pussy: [Inaudible.]

Me: That's not funny. Don't try to be cute now, because I don't want to hear it. And I'll tell you something else: we are never going to have any symptoms of menopause -- not a one. Particularly anything that has to do with dryness of any sort. I hold my coochie to a higher standard, and that standard is not dry, goddammit!

My Pussy: [Inaudi--]

Me: And another thing! I'd better not find any gray hairs down there. No way, because that would be creepy and disgusting, and it's never going to happen. Especially not while I'm getting out of the shower. And toweling off. This morning.

My Pussy: [Inaudible.]

Me: No. No, it didn't. It didn't happen, and it's not going to happen. Ever! Do you hear me?!

My Pussy: ...

Me: Look, I'm sorry. I really am. I shouldn't have yelled at you. It's just that I'm finally getting around to forgiving you for all this infertility stuff, and now you're giving me menopause and gray pubes. Honestly, I don't understand why. Why do you have to rub it in like that?

My Pussy: [Inaudible.]

Me: Hahaha! OK, I have to admit. That one was funny. Oh, Pussy, how can I stay mad at you?

My Pussy: [Inaudible.]

Me: Yeah, well, you may be cute, but you're still getting waxed tomorrow.

~~~

A Betty White SNL sketch for those who can't get enough of dry muffins.

http://www.hulu.com/watch/147961

The Late Show

Last week's conversation with my clinic coordinator.

Me: I'm three weeks late, and still nothing.

CC: And you've taken a pregnancy test?

Me: Yes. Two. Both were negative. What do you think it could be?

CC: It's hard to say. We could schedule an ultrasound, if you want.

Me: What would that tell us?

CC: That it's a cyst, maybe?

Me: I've had cysts before, and they've never made me late. I just can't imagine what's going on.

CC: Well, it can sometimes happen that periods get thrown off because of natural hormonal changes that occur with age.

Me: Oh, that makes sense. [Long pause.] Wait. You mean menopause.

CC: Well, yes.

Me: ...

~~~

My period came at last. Four weeks late.

So I finally started birth control pills a couple days ago, which is good, but the delay pushes my biopsy from August to September, my transfer from October to November, and my baby from April 2008 to August 2013.

But it's OK, because it's summer, so I'm just going to relax and enjoy my popsicles and menopause.