Dietary Supplements

Here's what happens 3 months into quitting gluten, soy, dairy, nightshades, caffeine, sugar, and alcohol:

1. You never have any gas or stomach pains
2. Your previously painful period cramps completely disappear
3. You have long, regular, perfect poops
4. Your donor gets pregnant

It's possible that the last of these things has nothing to do with my food intake, but they say dietary changes can be powerful, so I'm going to assume a correlation. I'm also going to assume that you've heard enough about my periods and poops, so here's more about the donor thing.

She texted me three weeks ago, which she does every once in a while just to say hi or to update me about things going on in her life. The conversation went something like this:

How's it going? I'm good! Still not pregnant, but otherwise great. That sucks because you're going to be such a great mom. Aw, you're very sweet. How are you? Really good! I met a guy, and we're probably moving away together, so I'll let you know when that happens. Oh, yay! I want you to be as happy as can be. Me, too, for you! You're the sweetest. No, you're the sweetest.

There were lots of exclamation points, exes, ohs, and more exclamation points -- all of which were sincere, mind you. I think there may have even been a kitty emoticon in there somewhere, although I'm not sure why. Then there was this:

Me: Hey, one last thing before you go. Have there been any other pregnancies with your eggs since the first recipient? I'm just curious if there's anything I should know about your fertility.

Donor: Well, I didn't want to say anything, but I took two tests this morning, and it looks like I'm pregnant. That's why I texted you today. I wanted you to know right away, but then I wasn't sure if I should tell you because you've been going through such a hard time.

Can I just say how much I've grown to appreciate my donor? Yes, I had reservations about her in the beginning, but when it comes to my donor's personality, thoughtfulness, and adherence to the parameters of our contract, this girl's been awesome. She knows that medical and fertility updates are important to me, and she's unendingly thoughtful, sweet, and respectful about it. Personality-wise, I couldn't have chosen better.

And I'm actually excited about her pregnancy. To ride a wave of delusion for just a moment, I LOVE the possibility of my child having a genetic sibling who'll be the same age. My donor and I both intend for her to meet my child(ren), and it would be so wonderfully cool if she and I had virtual twins. Very Post-Modern Family, no?

I'll concede that if my quest ends in a bust, then her child will be a reminder of mine that never was, but then again, if I never get pregnant, then we probably won't stay in touch, so it won't be an issue. (My avoidance coping mechanism is smarter than your honors student.)

But back to the diet, here are a few tips that have helped me get through being denied the most delicious foods on the planet:

1. For meals, all you can eat are fruits, nuts, legumes, gluten-free grains, vegetables, meats, and eggs. Just accept it.
2. For flavor, because so many spices are made from peppers (a nightshade), you're limited to salt, peppercorns, cumin, turmeric, garlic, ginger, and fresh herbs. Outside of that, squeezing a little lemon or lime onto veggies can be good, and a modified peanut sauce works, too.
3. For dessert, you can alter cake and muffin recipes, but otherwise the best thing I've found is tahini mixed with honey and spread on rice cakes. It's better than it sounds, but I won't refuse your pity.
4. The West Wing is streaming on Netflix, and it's just as compelling today as it was when Jed Barlet was my presidential antidote to Bush 43.

Once more, it's possible that the last of these things has nothing to do with my diet, but you can't prove a negative, so let's assume a correlation.

Speaking of negatives, my pregnancy test will be on April 7, which is also my 41st birthday. That'll be fun.

Let Us Now Praise Famous Eggs

Google "pregnant celebrities over 40," and you get over 20 million page results. Yes, there are a lot of them in Hollywood, but it isn't because of age-defying seaweed wraps or chemical peels. Those have no effect on ovaries.

It's because of IVF procedures and donor eggs.

As I've mentioned before:

• By 35, women have a 10% chance of getting pregnant each month. The miscarriage rate is 25% 
• After 40, 90% of a woman’s eggs are genetically abnormal 
• After 44, women have a less than 1% chance of getting pregnant with their own eggs even if they use IVF.

This means that Hollywood moms are using IVF and egg donors behind closed doctor's curtains, and they're trying to keep it on the down-low in an effort to preserve their youthful image.

Conversely, the purpose of this post is to out them.

~~~

Donor Egg Moms Who Used Surrogates
This group is pretty easy to identify since almost all women who use surrogates also use egg donors. Many women try to suggest that their surrogates are carrying babies fertilized with their own eggs, and this could be true for younger women (as in the case of Dennis Quaid's wife who was 36), but among women over 40, it doesn't really work that way.
* Giuliana Rancic is having a baby via surrogate at 37. (Fingers crossed for a healthy baby due summer 2012.)

Joan Lunden had two sets of twins via surrogate when she was 42 and 44.

Sarah Jessica Parker used a surrogate to conceive her twins at 44.

Angela Bassett had twins via surrogate when she was 47.

Annie Leibowitz had twins via surrogate at 56.

Cheryl Tiegs used a surrogate to deliver twins when she was 53. I love her story best because she told Larry King that they were conceived using her own eggs, which pretty much means she's crazy.

~~~

Donor Egg Moms Who Carried Pregnancies Themselves
This group is tougher to guess at, but when it comes to moms over 44, it's fairly safe to assume they've used donors. For women closer to 40, it's less obvious, although twins are a pretty big clue, especially if their babies follow years of infertility. Anyhow, here's my list:
Nicole Kidman had a baby at 40 and another at 42. A third baby was born a year after that via surrogate. With all her history of infertility and miscarriage during her 30s, I suspect that she used donor eggs for all three.

Patrick Dempsey's wife had twins at 41. Considering the 5 year gap between this pregnancy and their first daughter, I'm going with egg donor.

Mariah Carey delivered twins at 42 after years of struggling with infertility. She credits the miracle pregnancy to acupuncture. I credit it to an egg donor.

Iman had a baby at 44. A successful IVF is possible, but statistically unlikely. I'm going with egg donor.

Jane Seymour delivered twins at 44. Donor.

Marcia Gay Harden had twins at 44. Donor.

Mary Stuart Masterson was pregnant with twins at 44. Egg donor. [She was supposedly due summer 2011, although I haven't seen any reports about a successful delivery, so hopefully things didn't take a bad turn for her.]

Marcia Cross gave birth to twins at 44. She's admitted to going through IVF treatments but not to using donor eggs. She has, however, acknowledged that egg donation exists. Baby steps.

Mimi Rogers had a baby at 45. Egg donor.

Susan Sarandon had babies at 42 and 46. Egg donor. (Although the kid she had at 39 obviously has her genetics.)

Jane Kaczmarek had babies at 42, 44, and 47. Donor, donor, and donor.

Kelly Preston had a baby at 47. Donor.

Holly Hunter and Nancy Grace each had twins at 47. Donors.

Bridget Jones scribe Helen Fielding gave birth at 43 and 48. Donor, obviously.

Geena Davis gave birth to twins at 48. Egg donor fer shur.

Beverly D'Angelo had a baby at 49. That's forty-NINE.

* Elizabeth Edwards had kids when she was 48 and 50.

Annie Leibowitz gave birth when she was 51. Obvee. [As noted above, she subsequently used a surrogate for twins.]

Jennifer Aniston isn't pregnant, but she's 43 and a long-time heavy smoker, so I'm calling it early: egg donor.

~~~

IVF Moms
Then there are the celebrity moms who have done IVF. Again, I'm totally fabricating this list based on assumptions, but twins are a giveaway, and singletons born to moms close to 40 are suspect, too. My guess is that many of these women have also used donors, but I'm less sure of these than I am of the group above.
Rebecca Romijn had twins at 36. It's possible that this was natural, but I was infertile at 35, and we used the same wedding photographer, so I'm going with IVF.

Julia Roberts had twins at 37 and a singleton at 40. Definitely IVF. [More specifically, my guess is that the second pregnancy was a frozen embryo transfer leftover from her first cycle's retrieval.]

Jennifer Lopez had twins at 39. IVF for sure. Egg donor possible.

Lisa Marie Presley gave birth to twins at 40. IVF for sure. Egg donor possible.

Courtney Cox Arquette had a baby at 41 after years of struggling with infertility. Definitely IVF. Probably egg donor.

Julianna Margulies had a baby at 41. IVF is likely, particularly since it was her first child. Possible egg donor.

Diana Krall had twins at 41. IVF for sure. Egg donor possible.

Molly Ringwald had twins at 41. IVF for sure. Egg donor possible.

Celine Dion had six IVF cycles and a miscarriage and then finally gave birth at 42. It's possible that the 7th try was the charm, but an egg donor is more likely.

Angelina Jolie is pregnant with her second set of twins. I realize that she's only 36, but - as my friend A pointed out - the odds of having two sets of twins is pretty low. That combined with the fact that she's crazy makes it clear that she's using IVF. Own egg, though. And Pitt sperm, obviously. I mean, wouldn't you?

~~~

I suppose there should be some moral to this blog post: something about how bad it is that these upper-class, professional female role models are perpetuating the myth that you don't have to start worrying about your biological clock until you're 45 even though the true start-worrying age is 27, and how bad it is that celebrities are setting real-life women up for failure when instead what they could be doing is educating folks that ovaries expire, and that women would be wise to make more informed decisions when it comes to their plans for family-building, and that the only way to do that is to reject the illusion of Hollywood youth, glamor, and invincibility once and for all.

But, whatever.

Right now I just feel like outing them.

~~~

* Update, April 24, 2012: With the announcement of Bill and Giuliana Rancic's surrogate pregnancy, I decided to keep this log updated as pregnancy news emerges. Names preceded by asterisks denote additions made after the initial post.

The Psychology of Transference

Here are my clinic's statistics for taking home an egg donor baby (different from becoming pregnant, of course, which doesn't always yield a baby).

Transferring 1 embryo = 70%
Transferring 2 embryos = 80%

That's 14% percent better odds when transferring two, which isn't a huge difference, but it's nothing to sneeze at. The pickle is this: if I transfer 2 embryos, and the outcome is successful, there's a 60% chance that I'll be taking home 2 babies.

So, to help me figure out if I should transfer 2 embryos, the question on the table is, am I prepared to handle twins? Here are the arguments:

Twin Pros
Instant family
Kids have each other to play with
Twins are cool

Twin Cons
Pregnancy is harder on the body
High likelihood of premature delivery, linked to mental and physical complications
No sleep for the first three months and get very little for the next six
Twins are hard

The cons outnumber the pros, but that's not how decision-making works. You have to ask yourself what's in your gut: do I want twins? And my gut's answer is Yes! absolutely!! I really, really, really want twins! And even though I was afraid of the prospect at first, I've been watching YouTube videos about tandem nursing, and I'm totally ready for the challenge.

Especially because twins are so cool. I mean really, really cool. Everyone loves twins. Twins are so cute, and if you have twins, then people everywhere will stop you to tell you how awesome your twins are, because twins are so cool!

It was during a particularly long daydreaming session that involved a double-stroller at a shopping mall that it hit me: did I only want twins so that I could feel special? The truth was, Kinda. Yeah.

After years of infertility, I wanted to compensate for my uterine inadequacies. I was craving a level of cooing that would make up for all the attention I'd been missing. I needed to show the women who had effortlessly bred before me, "sure, you have kids, but I have twins."

It was ego and pride. It took me a while to figure that out, but once I did, I had to let the idea go. I wasn't willing to let pride win at the cost of premature delivery. Ego doesn't beat out health complications. Ultimately, there was no way I could allow the next steps of my fertility treatment be dictated by my emotional damage, no matter how cool twins are.

This means that (besides obviously needing to to schedule an appointment with my therapist) I'm committed to transferring only one embryo. It's the more rational decision, and the truth is that I can still give my kids siblings to play with; I would just need to build my family one child at a time like normal people do. Besides, even if I do transfer one, there's still a chance that the embryo will split, and I'll still end up with twins, and they'll be identical. Wouldn't that be cool?