Positive Thinking

I wish I could say that I'm optimistic about this donor egg cycle, but I just can't let myself go there. My pregnancy test is in 4 weeks, and I've started to prepare for the worst; only a fool would count on a positive.

To be honest, I'm loaded with fear and vulnerability, and I'm doing everything I can to protect myself against rosy thinking. I never let myself fantasize about baby names or and imagine what it'll be like to post a photo of a little one on my Facebook page because things so rarely end up the way you hope. Of course I know that this cycle can work, but so allowing myself get giddy about it is just not something I can do.

My donor's egg retrieval is tentatively scheduled for June 7, which - in IVF terms - is considered Day 14 of a pregnancy. By those same calculations, 13 days before retrieval is Day 1 of a pregnancy, which - incidentally - is today.

Yes, I know it's a twisted logic, and not at all based in reality, but by a certain fantasy yardstick, today I'm one day pregnant.

I realize it's a nutty thing to think, but a small part of me occasionally succumbs to false hope, and I imagine what it would be like to announce it to the world. I know I can hardly anticipate a positive outcome since the odds are not great, and my result can easily fall on the side I don't want.

I guess what I'm saying is that I'm not a huge fan of positive thinking because I just don't see the point; I know too much about all the things that can go wrong at every step of the process, and the reality is that anything can happen.

But try as I might to suppress the optimism, there are brief moments where I can't help but think happy, hopeful, giggly thoughts. A positive is possible, after all, and a positive in 27 days means that I'm one day pregnant today.

Still, it's a crazy mindset, and there's no way I'm going to let myself imagine that!!!