I met my donor for lunch yesterday. The following are excerpts from our conversation.
My Donor: "I'm really good at a lot of things. Like flower arranging. I'm great at succulents. Look at these pictures.
Me: "They're beautiful."
My Head: "I hope she doesn't google search my house and see how bad my yard looks."
My Donor: "I'm also great at make-up. I want to do make-up for the movies. Like for Johnny Depp."
Me: "It's wonderful that you know what you want to do."
My Head: "But your eyebrows are drawn about an inch too thick, and they're kind of scaring me."
My Donor: "And I'm a great writer."
Me: "..."
My Head: "Your emails and texts suggest otherwise."
My Donor: "So, what else should I tell you? Oh, yeah! I have a son! He's 10."
Me: "That's right. I remember that from your profile."
My Donor: "He lives with my mom. I was too young and crazy when he was born."
Me: "Do you have a picture?"
My Donor: "Yes, you should see him. He looks exactly like me."
Me: "How cute. He seems very happy."
My Head: "Oh, god, he's fat. My kids are going to be fat."
My Donor: "I was a really funny-looking kid. I had a big head. And then I grew up, and I got skinny and pretty."
Me: "..."
My Head: "You're not that skinny. Or that pretty."
My Donor: "I'm really glad you're pretty. I was hoping the recipient was going to be pretty. I don't know why. I just was."
Me: "..."
My Head: "How I look doesn't matter at all because my genes die with me. Yours, on the other hand, will live on in this arrangement. Lucky me."
My Donor: "From my last cycle, the lady's having twins. I love the idea that there are all these kids from me all over the country because I know I'm a really great person."
Me: "..."
My Head: "Holy shit. I'm breeding a narcissist."
My Donor: "I might get a glass of wine when our food comes. I know they said not to, but I don't think it matters. I drank wine throughout my whole cycle last time, and they still got, like, 26 eggs."
Me: "..."
My Head: "What?
"Also, WHAT?
"Also, they may have retrieved 25 eggs (not 26), but only 18 fertilized, and only 5 made it to transfer. That's the number that really matters. Five.
"Also, who knows how alcohol affects the eggs with all this medication?
"Also, how much have you had to drink during this cycle?
"Also, if you're drinking, what else are you doing that you aren't supposed to?
"Also, do you know this is costing me $40,000 that I don't really have?
"Also, WHAT THE FUCK?!"
~~~
On the bright side, I finally have a distraction from the panic that embryos won't implant because my uterine lining is only 6.3 mm thick when it should be over 7. I'm not even sure if I want them to implant.
I should have chosen another donor.
I should have tried IVF sooner rather than wasting all that time with inseminations.
I should have tried to get pregnant when I was younger.
I should have planned my life better.
Why did I do this donor egg thing again? Maybe being childless wouldn't have been that bad. Better than having overweight, not-too-bright, narcissistic children. Better than raising kids that aren't my own.
And all the while, egg retrieval day is tomorrow.
Ugh.
Perhaps these are the follies of her youth? (Unintentional pun.) Oy. Among her many, many, many talents, she also produces beaucoup eggs. You'll take over from there.
ReplyDeleteNo need to fret. You wouldn't be normal if you didn't question your choice about something so BIG. Think of it like this...she only had 5 make it to transfer but the woman is pregnant with twins. That means that 2 of those 5 were perfectly wonderful. You will get your perfectly wonderful embryo(s), too. And once you have a baby in your arms, all that other stuff won't matter. You will nurture and mold your child(ren) in a way that biology can't. I was very skeptical about my donor, too. I never spoke to her and I'm glad I didn't. She loves to cheer and wants to be a hair dresser. I'm a tomboy. I never liked cheerleaders. But you know what? She gave me a beautiful embryo and I know that this child will be its own person. My SIL is a tomboy and her daughter is the biggest girlie girl out there. It just goes to show that you never really know how your kids are going to turn out. I wrote a post a while back about nature vs. nurture because I was fearing some of the same things you are. The fear will pass and you will fall in love with your little embryo(s) that will hopefully become your child(ren). And hopefully you will wonder what all the fuss was about. :-)
ReplyDeleteThanks for your kind words. You're so right. 20 were retrieved this morning, actually. So far so good. And speaking of good: your blog. Man, oh, man.
ReplyDeleteFirst, I'm so very happy for you. It's been great to read another blogger who's writing about ED - and a successful cycle at that! Also, I wanted to thank you so much for your comment. I am trying to focus on the nurture part of it all, but I suppose an estrogen-laden relapse into Grief-ville is bound to happen for some. Anyhow, thanks again, and best of luck to you throughout the rest of your pregnancy!
ReplyDeleteThank you *blush*. Twenty is great. Don't forget - your body, your blood, your hormones, there's a whole lot of you that will flow into baby!
ReplyDeleteOh man. Lol. She probably isn't as horrible as she sounds. It can be really hard to "sell yourself" to your IPs. I'm sure you can take whatever genetic material she gives you and turn them into wonderful, adorable little people.
ReplyDeleteThat being said... Why is she drinking? I would never compromise my cycles. This is someone else's dream I am responsible for. Like I can have a glass of wine whenever I am at home. Despite the fact that I am always watching my 3 kids. But I'm not going to drink if I am babysitting. There is a difference. Even though she's probably right about it not actually being a big deal.
Don't let your nerves get the best of you. Good luck!
Thanks, EM. She actually isn't as horrible as she sounds. And I know you're right about the genetic materials piece. And yes! You're exactly right! My nerves won that battle, but my better self is back.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I followed up about the drinking thing, and it seems that she didn't drink during this cycle, or if she did, it was minimal, which probably shouldn't harm the cycle. However, there's also no research about the effects of alcohol on IVF stim cycles, and it does put a damper on my perception of her, especially that she would think to order a drink with me sitting across from her.
Anyhow, you're very sweet to empathize with me. I know your IPs will be lucky to have you as their donor.
TG
[...] Instead I took my donor’s profile at its word and developed expectations about her that later turned out not to be true. I realize now that this is one reason why intended parents don’t want to [...]
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