Donor Down

Our donor fell through.

A woman who I've been thinking about for weeks and whom I've been affectionately calling #4889 has left us.

The clinic gave us two reasons. The first was that they discovered that she has a medical issue that is exacerbated by hormones, so she can't cycle (although they allowed her to finish her first). The other reason is that the staff doesn't want to work with her again because she's a bitch. Both seem reasonable.

Oddly, I miss her quite a lot. It's amazing how much of a bond is formed with a woman whom I was never going to meet. I'd been thinking so affectionately of her because she was going to be the gen-mom of my kids, and this made me love her in some way. Not quite as a friend, and not quite as family. It was something else.

When I got the news, I called N whose response was, "Good. Now we can choose a donor who's willing to have an open relationship."

I love him.

The Psychology of Transference

Here are my clinic's statistics for taking home an egg donor baby (different from becoming pregnant, of course, which doesn't always yield a baby).

Transferring 1 embryo = 70%
Transferring 2 embryos = 80%

That's 14% percent better odds when transferring two, which isn't a huge difference, but it's nothing to sneeze at. The pickle is this: if I transfer 2 embryos, and the outcome is successful, there's a 60% chance that I'll be taking home 2 babies.

So, to help me figure out if I should transfer 2 embryos, the question on the table is, am I prepared to handle twins? Here are the arguments:

Twin Pros
Instant family
Kids have each other to play with
Twins are cool

Twin Cons
Pregnancy is harder on the body
High likelihood of premature delivery, linked to mental and physical complications
No sleep for the first three months and get very little for the next six
Twins are hard

The cons outnumber the pros, but that's not how decision-making works. You have to ask yourself what's in your gut: do I want twins? And my gut's answer is Yes! absolutely!! I really, really, really want twins! And even though I was afraid of the prospect at first, I've been watching YouTube videos about tandem nursing, and I'm totally ready for the challenge.

Especially because twins are so cool. I mean really, really cool. Everyone loves twins. Twins are so cute, and if you have twins, then people everywhere will stop you to tell you how awesome your twins are, because twins are so cool!

It was during a particularly long daydreaming session that involved a double-stroller at a shopping mall that it hit me: did I only want twins so that I could feel special? The truth was, Kinda. Yeah.

After years of infertility, I wanted to compensate for my uterine inadequacies. I was craving a level of cooing that would make up for all the attention I'd been missing. I needed to show the women who had effortlessly bred before me, "sure, you have kids, but I have twins."

It was ego and pride. It took me a while to figure that out, but once I did, I had to let the idea go. I wasn't willing to let pride win at the cost of premature delivery. Ego doesn't beat out health complications. Ultimately, there was no way I could allow the next steps of my fertility treatment be dictated by my emotional damage, no matter how cool twins are.

This means that (besides obviously needing to to schedule an appointment with my therapist) I'm committed to transferring only one embryo. It's the more rational decision, and the truth is that I can still give my kids siblings to play with; I would just need to build my family one child at a time like normal people do. Besides, even if I do transfer one, there's still a chance that the embryo will split, and I'll still end up with twins, and they'll be identical. Wouldn't that be cool?

Quotable Quotes: DE vs OE Child

I've been browsing a billion blogs, websites, and forums about egg donation, and I came across this thread:

Do you feel differently about your biological and donor egg children?

Good question, right? The woman elaborates that she and her husband conceived one child using her own egg, but they haven't had any luck with a second, so they're considering using a donor. She goes on to say,

I'm pretty much on board, but I'm worried that somehow I won't bond with the DE child, or that I'll consciously or subconsciously prefer my biological child and mess up my relationship with my DE child. I've seen lots of wonderful posts about how little the genetics actually matter once the child arrives, but I guess I need some reassurance in that regard or if that's not available, at least some candid feedback about the family dynamics that I might expect. Anyone have any feedback?

First of all, I'm completely in love with this woman for so articulately asking such a sensitive question, and I have so much admiration for her openness that it makes me want to cry. (My version of this question was ... well, ... uglier.)

Now, there were loads of knowledgable, wise, and compassionate responses, but this one was by far my favorite:

I have 3 kids - the two youngest via DE ... [and one] genetically related to me ...  I tend to forget that all three aren't via DE. In fact, just the other day, I was wondering if my oldest would ever want to get in touch with his genetic mom. And then I remembered that his genetic mom was, um, me.

How amazing is that?